Film Spews

This weeks films - Push & Anvil:The Story of Anvil.

by Frisbee Dog



Push is pretty much OK, until the last fifteen minutes when you realise that its 'the first part in a planned trilogy' which, due to this film being not that much cop, will never be made. Now I'm not going to cry into my post cinema Creme De Menthe, which Luigi my drinks waiter has kindly and expertly prepared, over the loss of Push 2 and 3. But I could probably have done with knowing this at the beginning, which would have informed on my choice to waste 2 hours of my time on a story that won't end properly. On a more positive note director Paul McGuigan again sees fit to litter the film with his own personal trademark, that of really terrible wallpaper....everywhere. This cat is a bargain bucket at Homebase's wet dream. And a warning for those of a perverted nature, wear your industrial sandpaper kecks - Dakota Fanning is not yet pedo bear approved.

Anvil is what would be referred to as 'a triumph of human spirit against the odds', except no one really triumphs. It is however funny as fuck and proves that however much you believe in yourself you will still be shit if you are. Also rock/scat fans should however look out for the painting scene which is the funniest thing I've seen all year. Maplethorpe would be proud.

Steve-O Does Strictly

Just discovered that Steve-O, he of Jackass fame, is a competitor on Dancing With The Stars, (the American version of Strictly Come Dancing), and I feel a bit cheated as I won't get to see it. I don't watch programmes like this, usually because I'm busy out robbing banks and seducing supermodels, but I'd actually set aside time to watch this character, because deep down something tells me he may be the next Fred Astaire.

Make A Break, Make A Move

It's Tuesday which means Friday is still a long way off. Here's an old skool tune to speed things up a bit.

The Tragic Death Of Imagination

A few days ago we posted up details of how Jane Austen's novel Pride and Prejudice had been totally trashed re-written by some geek who thought it would be uber clever to include zombies, (I mean really, are we still flogging this undead horse?), re-naming it Pride And Prejudice And Zombies.

Just when you thought this premise couldn't be any more pathetic Sir Elton John wheels himself and his piano into the ring by announcing that his film company Rocket Pictures is to make a
science fiction re-imagining of...yes, you guessed it.

Pride And Predator, (*standing up and applauding enthusiastically*), will tell the story of an "alien dropped into the middle of a costume drama, where he stalks and slashes to horrific effect". David Furnish who will produce the film, while his husband Sir John Elton will supervise the music, told variety magazine: "It felt like a fresh and funny way to blow apart the done-to-death Jane Austen genre." RIP imagination, we knew you well.

Alfie Patton Joins Fathers For Justice

Thirteen year-old dad, Alfie Patton, has joined Fathers For Justice. Members say that although little Alfie doesn't quite understand the politics behind the group's aims, he is really made up with his new Spiderman outfit.

Pegg & Frost Lite

This trailer is awful, make no bones about it. I'm reliably informed that James Cordone and Matthew Horne are brilliant in Gavin and Stacey, but this effort reeks of shit. Entitled Lesbian Vampire Killers it looks like a direct rip off of Shaun Of The Dead, only this time the gifted writers have taken that premise and turned it entirely on it's head by substituting zombies for....yes, lesbian vampires. Genius.
Really, is this what we are prepared to sell our cousins across the Atlantic? Is this all the British film industry can come up with, Guy Ritchie London gangster films and now comedy/horror/ Laurel & Hardy style romps? At this rate it won't be long before we start re-making the Carry On films...wait, we already tried that.

Olivia Christine Newton-John Kills James Mason

I had to read this story twice, in fact make that three times, just to make sure I hadn't made a mistake, even now I'm still not so sure.
I won't spoil it for you but it's basically about a woman in Ohio who "exercised" her husband to death. Just in case you thought that was the weird bit wait till you get to the second last paragraph, it's almost like M Night Shyamalan wrote this piece. STORY HERE

Another Piece Of The Jigsaw

I constantly come across moments in my life where I find myself thinking: "Ah right, now I get it." These moments usually centre around trivialities, but I love the little sense of satisfaction and achievement I get whenever it happens, like I've just solved an ancient mystery of life.
For example, I was watching an old movie last night called The Killing Of A Chinese Bookie directed by John Cassavetes. There is a scene in the movie where the main character Cosmo, played by the brilliant Ben Gazzara, is talking on the phone to his club's bartender and shouting: "Are there letters on the wall that say p-a-r? There's another card that says moon. Well, what's he singing? Like being hit by a bolt of lightening I instantly realised I had heard this phrase before and it wasn't long until I had figured it out.
In the music video for David Gray's song Sail Away, (where David is staggering home from the pub during a typical Saturday night), there is a scene where a man on the street with a broken nose is talking on his mobile asking: "Are there letters on the wall which read p-a-r? There's another card that says moon. Well, what's he singing?" Since that video first aired I always wondered where that phrase came from and now nearly ten years later I discovered the answer. Just another little piece of the jigsaw.

This Week In Film/Verbal Diorama

Vicky Cristina Barcelona/The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button

by Frisbee Dog

I'm going to do both films at once for some good reason. Benjamin Button is brilliant, so brilliant in fact that after I finished watching it and was waiting outside for my driver Pepe to pick me up in the town Bentley, I could not for the life of me remember what the first film was that i went to see earlier that day. Eventually I rummaged around in my pocket and found a ticket stub to find it was Kinky Christian... or whatever. And the thing is, the first film featured Scarlet Joehansome gubbing into Penelope Pitstop and I had completely forgotten about it. Three choices 1) early onset mad cow, 2) brain penis blockage (see 1), 3) Benjamin Button is such a well crafted, magical, deeply moving, incredibly poignant film, that just steamrolled the best film Woody Allen has made since Deconstructing Harry, which features chicks winching.
I'm not going to even mention the special effects, because after about half an hour you just forget they're there. Like Nazis always speaking English.

Word of warning - expectant fathers beware. Be prepared for a new nightmare, (to add to the legion of others), where your progeny is born a tiny old pruney dude.

I hope this doesn't sound like I'm blowing smoke up Benjamin Buttons ass, but it also happens to be part of a very rare breed of film now-a-days that actually knows how to end. The closing coda alone is worth the three hours and brings the film full circle in a way that just seems so right.

Cant recommend this highly enough.

Bring on Crank 2

Joaquin Phoenix Better Be Pretending

Much has been made of Hollywood actor Joaquin Phoenix's recent erratic behaviour, he quit acting, grew his hair long, grew a homeless man's beard and became a self-proclaimed hip hop artist. A few weeks ago it was revealed that all of this is nothing more than pretend, the change of career and drastic new look is for a mock documentary about him trying to break into the music industry, that he's been filming with Ben Affleck's brother Casey. And earlier this week he appeared on The Late Show with David Letterman in what has to be the oddest televised interview yet.

I Talk To Myself And Wave At People

Now let's get this straight, I don't have full blown conversations to myself or launch into monologues. I have a habit of speaking out loud the words and sentences that are currently running through my head, and it only happens when I spy somebody I know.
For example if I'm walking down a street and I see you up ahead on the other side of the street, I'll say out loud, to myself: "Oh look, there's whodoyamacallit whatshishersface." And then I'll wave over to you and if you don't happen to initially see me and wave back I then say, (while waving like a loon),: "Oh...oh...oh aye you never saw me there."(you do see me and you do wave back), "Oh no, no, no wait, aye you did. Aye there you go. Aye hello how you doin'?" At this point after we've finished waving at each other I realise I've been speaking out loud again and so I increase the speed of my walk or turn into a shop I have absolute no interest in, knowing full well somebody must have heard me and they're probably now convinced I'm on a special day out.
But what I've just recently realised is that the people I know, the people that I wave to are sometimes close enough to notice that I'm talking to myself. They can't hear what I'm saying but they're close enough to see my lips moving and since I'm not with anyone they must be thinking to themselves: "Who the fuck is he talking to? Is he talking to himself? I bet he's waving over at me and saying to himself: "Look at that arsehole waving at me. I can't stand him/her. Aye that's right, wave over ya cabbage.""
Needless to say I'm now putting a stop to it now. Talking to myself and swearing are now things of the past and my lips won't move again when I see you in the street. I promise. But I'm interested to know, am I alone in this matter?

Never Underestimate The Stupidity Of People #2

You go girl.

Abysses Is Plural For Abyss

Way back when things were a lot less strenuous and complicated, I was a wee boy running around in my Transformers t-shirt and grass stained jeans. I cared not a jot and lived every day without worry or fear. The only three things I was frightened of back then were Great White Sharks, Malky "psycho eyes, McMasters and large holes in the ground. Now, I'm not talking about holes which were made by diggers or ones I had dug myself, I'm talking about deep chasms, bottomless craters and never ending abysses, (that's actually the correct plural for abyss, so don't leave any comments calling me a mong).
These types of holes made me feel very uneasy and would leave me with an overwhelming sense of panic. I was fearful for what lay at the bottom of these chasms, they might be lairs for demons, large horrific monsters, or just one massive, over-sized tentacle. My biggest fear was that the hole would just keep widening and the earth around it's perimeter would continue to crumble into it, until the hole itself had engulfed the entire planet.
There was a reason for my fear back then and surprisingly enough it wasn't connected to chronic drug abuse or an abnormal addiction to sherbet or slush puppies, it stemmed from a low budget horror movie made in 1987 called The Gate.

The Gate tells the story of three young American kids who bury their dead dog in a large hole in their suburban back garden, a hole which has mysteriously appeared following the removal of an old tree. After their pet's burial lots of strange, horrific things start to happen, all of them centred around the hole in the garden. (Yes, that's a very young Stephen Dorff with a red jacket in the trailer).
Needless to say I soiled myself when I first watched this. I'm not good with horror movies and I'm a hysterical mess with horror movies about deep, mysterious holes. So you can imagine how tight my sphincter muscles moved when I read about Hollywood re-making this movie. Apparently Alex Winter, (he of Bill and Ted fame), will direct, with Stephen Dorff rumoured to reprise his role as Glen and the whole movie will be in shot in glorious 3D. I'll probably go see it for the nostalgia aspect alone, but there's no guarantee I won't end up autographing my own gusset.

Exclusive New G.I. Joe Movie Footage

G.I. Joe, the terrible cartoon from the 80s has been turned into a summer blockbuster movie starring Dennis Quaid and Christopher Eccleston. Here's some sneak preview footage. I can't wait.

Put On Weight Look Younger

I expect to see this headline emblazoned in bold type across the covers of future editions of glamour and beauty magazines, because I reckon it's true. Obviously I have absolutely no medical evidence to back this theory up, except for my eyes. Yes, I can see with my two eyes that people I know who have put on weight, not just a few pounds but a good couple of healthy stone, actually look younger than they are. Maybe it's because their faces have filled out and stretched their skin leaving less wrinkles, I honestly don't know, but they definitely appear to look younger and dare I say they have a healthy glow about them, (although this may be due to dangerously high blood pressure).

I also know some people who have lost weight and have now become addicted to their new training regimes and workouts at their local gym and they look burst. Literally burst, like deflated balloons, their skin, which once was full, now saggy and forlorn. So to sum up, my two eyes tell me that overweight people look a lot younger than they are and have a nice glow about them and thin, fit people look spent and completly knackered. Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to eat three of these, so I can fit some stabilisers back onto my old tricycle.

I've Given Up The Swear Words

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This Guy Hates People As Much As We Do

As you can see from the video above this rather severe looking gentleman, (who wouldn't look out of place as a James Bond villian), has little time for people who interrupt him. And by little we mean nanoseconds. Notice how he catches even the European Mullet Wearing Champion completely off-guard. The helpful translation balloons give you a rough idea what he's saying and so do his hands.

Crimewave Hits Our Town

The town where we live is in the middle of the worst crimewave it's had in decades. Below is a cutting from our local newspaper's police files. As you can read our town is not the sort of place to be wandering around at night...unless of course you are hungry.

At least they're culturally aware.

Never Underestimate The Stupidity Of People #1

What more can you say?

Gallery Of The Absurd

The above parody of Angelina Jolie is by a mysterious online artist from San Francisco, know only as 14, whose brilliant work can be seen on her website www.galleryoftheabsurd.com.

In her own words: "14 illustrates the sordid world of gossip and slander while trying to keep a straight face." Take it from us, after browsing through her site, looking at her work, your face will be far from straight. GALLERY HERE

Phelps Is Our New Hero

Olympic merman Michael Phelps apparently lost $2,000 during a game of beer pong at the same party where he was photographed taking a hit off a bong. Newspapers are reporting that the swimming champion pulled out a roll of cash at the party, being held at the University of South Carolina, staked it all during the beer drinking competition and lost.
Apparently eight stoners people have been arrested following the famous Bongate picture including the owner of the bong, who was trying to sell it on EBay for $100,000.

As the tabloids hilariously appear to grow morals and lay into the Olympic champion, we here at HMS Friday would like to congratulate the man for making an effort. Getting high, drunk and losing a small fortune in the same night usually leads to some sort of legendary status. At long last we have a sportsman with some character and personality. All hail Phelps. MORE HERE

This Article Will Make You Gag

Holy bibles! If you don't find yourself nauseous during or after reading this online article from MSN Enterntainment, then you are clinically dead and need to be doused in lime and buried immediately.

Entitled "Ten reasons we want the Beckhams back" by Hannah Jones, the article is crammed full of vomit inducing praise and unashamedly licks Thick-n-Thin's over-paid celebrity derrieres. Just so you know what you're getting yourself into here's a small taster of what to except:

Concerning the tabloids: "How much easier will it be for them to follow Victoria’s latest shopping expedition or Cruz’s latest breakdancing showcase when they’re actually on the same continent?"

On Posh's sense of humour: "Victoria’s actually funny, in a very British way. Dry, self-deprecating… it’s no surprise she didn’t win over a country, (America), that famously don’t get irony."

On fucking acid: "Over the last 12 years, King David, Queen Victoria and the three little princes have practically become our new royal family."

Journalism at it's finest. TOILET PAPER HERE

"You Just Pissed On a Gypsy In The Middle Of Nowhere."

You can take Transformers 2, the new Harry Potter movie, Watchmen and Terminator Salvation and ram them right up your muck spreader. There is and will be only one film worth watching in 2009 and it's called Bronson. Directed by Nicolas Winding Refn, he of the Pusher Trilogy fame, and starring newcomer Tom Hardy as Charles Bronson, (no not the Death Wish bloke), it tells the true story of a Welsh born strongman and bare knuckle boxer, who has spent most of his life in prison. If this performance doesn't put Hardy on the Hollywood map then...just watch the trailer.

Woman Of The Year?

Courtney Love, she of heroin, cocaine, alcohol, general barbiturate addiction and ex-wife of the late Kurt Cobain has been named Woman Of The Year by Elle magazine. Yes, I spat out my tea too when I read that. You better fetch a cloth.
Apparently readers of the magazine voted Courtney as an inspirational figure for woman of all ages, on account of her brave "turn around" in lifestyle, (her win was in no way related to the imminent launch of her own clothing line later this year),
Obviously receiving the award took its toll on Courtney who, as you can see, looked "exhausted" after the event. Yes, she certainly has made a significant "turn around". Keep inspiring Courtney. MORE PICS HERE

Moving Comics On i-Tunes

Geeks around the world dropped their party-sized bags of crisps and raised their hands up from their keyboards, in triumphant nerdgasm splendor yesterday, following Marvel Comics exciting new announcement.

The comic producing...sorry, where are my manners? The graphic novel producing leviathans are teaming up with i-Tunes to offer fans special "in motion" publications starting this month. This means for a price you can download you're favourite graphic novel and get to see cartoons...sorry, panels move a bit. I don't know about you, but my gold, shiny underpants round my tight sky blue, lycra leggings just tightened a smidgen. MORE HERE

Twitter May Start Charging

The bosses at social networking website Twitter are planning to charge companies and corporates for tweetering in the near future. After turning down a buy out deal from Facebook it appears that Twitter could now be making changes to their business model to capitalise on the growing number of users.

It'll be interesting to see if bloggers and small independent companies, who regularly use Twitter as a promotional and advertising tool, will escape the charges. And how will they differentiate? Richard Branson and Stephen Fry both use Twitter as individuals, but continue to promote their latest activities and events, as do a whole host of glamour models, celebrities, writers and singers. Will Twitter class them as corporates and businesses too? STORY HERE

Inglorious Basterds Sneak Preview

I really couldn't give a shit about this film or any other film Quentin Tarantino makes in the future. As they say in the parlance of our times "I've went right aff him". I find his movies self indulgent and unnecessarily long-winded, but what the fuck do I know?
Here's some sneak preview footage of his latest effort Inglorious Basterds, (why the misspell?), starring professional African baby adopter Brad Pitt.

Call Anywhere In The World For Free

That's what website www.poketalk.com are offering people, but there are a couple of minor catches. You can only call for up to ten minutes at a time and most of the available countries only offer landline to landline calls. That being said all you have to do is register with the website and then get dialling. The cost of the call is paid for through their sponsors and other companies who advertise with them.

Above is a list of the countries poketalk can connect you with, but as you can see only Canada, China, Guam, Hong Kong, Puerto Rico, Singapore, Thailand and the USA cover mobile networks too.

Don't say we're not good to you.

BBC News Flash # 2

We interrupt this broadcast, once more, to bring you yet another news flash from the BBC. Some people may find the following news report on the BBC website...completely fucking pointless. Apparently this "snow-crazed" stoat can "keep it up for 15 minutes at a time". Pppffffftttt, bloody amateur. BREAKING NEWS HERE

Kate Moss Gave Rihanna Herpes - Allegedly

One of the only celebrity gossip websites worth looking at www.popbitch.com, is reporting that the Internet is flooded with allegations that Rihanna's boyfriend Chris Brown, who was arrested over the weekend for giving her a black eye, assaulted the pop star because she gave him herpes.

Brown now faces a possible nine year prison sentence and sleepless nights of irritable burning, after he hit and apparently bit Rihanna, as the pair were travelling in a car on Sunday night.

Taking their reader's insatiable appetite for the truth into consideration Popbitch are alleging that model Kate Moss is to blame for this celebrity shambles. SALACIOUS DETAILS HERE.

Now With Ultraviolent Zombie Mayhem

Jane Austen's classic book Pride and Prejudice has recently been given a makeover and in true 2009 style, zombies have been added into the literature mix. Yes, now even classic books aren't safe from society's on-going obsession with a zombie apocalypse, as writer Seth Grahame-Smith has added "all new scenes of bone crunching zombie action", in the newly revised parody of the quintessential English novel. As a point of interest Mr Smith is legally allowed to re-imagine the classic tale of Elizabeth Bennet and her four sisters, because the book's copyright has officially run out. Not ones to let us down Hollywood producers are currently in a bidding war for the movie rights of this re-imagining. BOOK HERE

"I Didn't Know He Was Really An Asshole"

I haven't seen The Wrestler, although Frisbee Dog tells me I should, but I somehow imagine that the situations Mickey Rourke finds himself in the film, aren't a million miles away from the incident you can watch in the video above.
Apparently on 7th February after a WWE Raw event, (whatever the fuck that is?), at Victoria in Canada, wrestler Chris Jericho was mobbed by angry fans as he tried to leave the arena's car park. Due to a complete lack of security, one female fan, who was so incensed by Jericho's presence, got close to the wrestler and spat in his face.
Now I'm a full blooded, physically fit, highly active male and at no point in my life do I ever foresee either spitting on somebody, or provoking a professional wrestler in an angry fashion. Justifiably Jericho lashed out, (spitting is deemed legally as assault), and took matters into his own hands as you will see in the video.
But this is where things get a little hazy for me. I have this undeniable feeling that all of this is yet another crock of shit and is either a publicity stunt or part of a viral video marketing campaign. WWE has a notorious reputation for playing out pretend situations in a highly realistic and convincing fashion, (after all that's the whole ethos of professional wrestling), and I can't help but wonder if maybe this is just another fine example of their work. See what you think.

A Cross Cruncher

Scotland took on Wales yesterday in the third Six Nations fixture of the weekend and except from a pretty boring and routine match of rugby, (I was switching between the Man Utd game), the only highlight was the mis-timed tackle by Scotland's Jeff Cross on Lee Burn, while he was still in the air, which left Cross unconscious.

For any young, aspiring rugby players out there here is an example of how not to tackle, unless of course you want to drink your future meals through a straw.

The video contains the entire match highlights on BBC Sport, but Cross and his cruncher happens 01.00 into it. VIDEO HERE

Every F-Bomb From The Sopranos

the sopranos, uncensored. from victor solomon on Vimeo.

Here's a video created by a guy called Victor Solomon which contains every swear word ever uttered, in chronological order, from the hit TV series The Sopranos. This video is half an hour long but strangely manages to hold your attention, much like a hypno toad.
Needless to say motherfuckers this fucking video is far from fucking safe for fucking watching at your fucking work or round the fucking house when small fucking children are within fucking earshot, you dumb mother fuckers. Just watch the fucking video, you fucking fucks.

So How Much For The Condos?

One man, a sign, a street corner and the wall of sound that is Elbow. Let this tune wash away your Monday blues. Below are the lyrics so you can sing along and pretend you're a huge rock star, (please don't pretend you won't).



Drinking in the morning sun
Blinking in the morning sun
Shaking off the heavy one
Heavy like a loaded gun

What made me behave that way?
Using words I never say
I can only think it must be love
Oh, anyway, it’s looking like a beautiful day

Someone tell me how I feel
It’s silly wrong but vivid right
Oh, kiss me like the final meal
Yeah, kiss me like we die tonight

Cause holy cow, I love your eyes
And only now I see the light
Yeah, lying with me half-awake
Oh, anyway, it’s looking like a beautiful day

When my face is chamois-creased
If you think I’ll wink, I did
Laugh politely at repeats
Yeah, kiss me when my lips are thin

Cause holy cow, I love your eyes
And only now I see you like
Yeah, lying with me half-awake
Stumbling over what to say
Well, anyway, it’s looking like a beautiful day

So throw those curtains wide!
One day like this a year’d see me right!

What A Crock Of Shit

"OMG I can't believe dat shit", "Dude WTF, that shit is messed up", ROTFL This is fucking hilarious. I love it". These are just some of the comments left by people who have heard the following prank radio call on the Internet and have been seduced by it's sugary, sweet lies.
There is absolutely nothing genuine about this prank call "gone wrong" and I could list a hundred fucking reasons why, but instead I'll list just two:
1. The set up - You won't come across a neater set-up than this. It starts with a challenge and then the first arc of the call is delivered as the caller is informed what she has to do to succeed, which then drives us neatly into the second arc of the call the "reveal" which propels us to the third and final arc of the call the all important "twist". A perfect three arc storyline which even Shakespeare would be proud of.
2. If this call were genuine the DJs involved and their employers would be sued fucking senseless for their inappropriate actions by causing unnecessary stress and trauma to the man and woman involved. The lawsuit would make the news and everybody and their fucking dog would know about it. Needless to say that hasn't happened.


Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies.

This Is Confusing/Mesmerising

Here's a montage of clips from the French adventure game show Fort Boyard. As you can see the female contestants have to try to successfully slide along a revolving shaft, (yes, that's right), to grab a key dangling at the end. French law requires that they have to complete this task dressed as Lara Croft, complete with short-shorts and t-shirts with plunging necklines, while their stirling efforts are filmed by a cameraman whose name is clearly featured on some register.

Your Daily Slice Of Celebrity Schadenfreude # 1

There is nothing like taking heart from looking at pictures of a once attractive, physically fit celebrity who is now nothing more than a bag of shit. Oh please, don't even try to deny it. It just proves that they're as flawed as you and I. Ladies and Gentlemen I give you Kevin Federline. MORE PICS HERE

Observe And Report Trailer

Most of Seth Rogen's movies pretty much reek of the same shit, same toilet humour, same slacker characters, same funny premise for around half an hour and then your interest is lost. His new film however looks a little different and a little darker, it also stars the great Ray Liotta and the lovely Anna Faris. Here's the NSFW trailer.

This Weekend In Filum

By Frisbee Dog

Blot 3D - anyone who sees this and says "it was just missing that Pixar magic, and was not quite as good as Finding Nemo/The Incredibles" take them out the front of the cinema and shoot them in the face, hard. These films are not made for you, you twat. Way and greet about Star Wars. I enjoyed the shit out of this. Has anyone else noticed that the only American films to show a realistic proportion of the American characters as being chronically obese are Pixar/Disney. True story - check it out. At least 80% are fat fucks and in the cartoons they are quite fat too. The 3D effect was as usual absolutely spot on and largely subtle in use (I'm looking at you Journey To The Centre Of The Earth), but its impossible to describe, so I'm not going to bother my arse.

The Good, The Bad, The Weird - good old South Korea. If ever you were feeling that every film is the same all the way through watch one of these bad boys cos the whip pans between violence, stunning cinematography and bizarre wince inducing slapstick would give the hulk a sore neck. Again I enjoyed this nonsense, because, hey it was fun and well made and was made to be fun. Not high art, but fun. Take a chuck up you Guinness supping, decent electronic producing, under nutbag commie fellas.

I Live In A Racist Town

I harbour a fantasy, a vision that I am from another planet. I think about it a lot, I imagine and sometimes pray that I've been sent here unknowingly by my alien race to observe life on earth. I yearn for the day where I open my front door to be greeted by my handlers in their silver, shiny overalls, who will proudly announce my job here on earth is now complete and I can finally come home. I'll be relieved, delighted and somewhat aroused, (it happens when I'm happy, don't judge me).

The reason I fantasize about such a far-fetched, sci-fi based scenario is largely due to things like the picture above. I took it yesterday in a shop located in the town where I live. At the rear of this shop is the largest collection of Golliwog dolls you're likely to see, every shape and size.
Now in 1988 the world famous jam manufacturers James Robertson & Son decided to remove pictures of Golliwogs from the lids of their jam jars after 78 years. It followed a boycott of their products by the Greater London Council who found the images offensive. Even though the production of Golliwog paraphernalia isn't illegal to this day, it is still heavily frowned upon and to find this in my local store is quite tragic.

By now you should be familiar with Carol Thatcher's dismissal from the BBC's The One Show after her use of the word "Golliwog" in front of co-workers following a broadcast. For those who haven't a clue what I'm on about, here's a quick refresher: Carol Thatcher, daughter of tyrannical, demonic, right-wing, gargoyle Margaret Thatcher had been working for The One Show as a sometime correspondent. After a broadcast last month, as she, fellow guests and workers watched the Australian Open on television, she was overheard using the word "Golliwog" to describe French tennis player Jo Wilfried Tsonga. Understandably people took offensive, she was reported, she wouldn't say sorry and the BBC told her she couldn't work for The One Show again.

However, it seems that public opinion is split over this issue with many people claiming it was said in jest and that Carol should be given a second chance, but I can't understand why. The word is flat-out offensive and for decades was used by white people as a derogatory term to describe black people. Yes, it was originally a soft toy doll for kids and yes, it was based on the "black face minstrels" of the 19th century, but the word "Wog" is a by-product from this doll, a word used by whites the world over to describe every other race of colour, (Greeks, Hispanics, Italians, Native Americans, Asians, Middle Easterners and Indians), in a highly offensive and racist fashion.

Which brings me neatly back to my local shop and it's large collection of Golliwog dolls, located in the high street of the town where I live, which also has this on it's main beach:

This ladies and gentlemen is Jim Crow. Well, a large rock on a beach which is painted to resemble a hybrid of a crow and a Golliwog, (notice the ruby red lips and blackface?), with the words "Jim Crow" painted on it's side.

Pictures of this local eyesore can be bought as postcards in many of my town's shops, for tourists to post back to their friends, family and fellow KKK members. This rock has stood here for decades and has been defaced three times, (twice by a friend of mine), only for locals to repaint and restore it back to its glorious, racist, original former glory. For those of you who don't know who or what Jim Crow is, here's a quick refresher:

Jim Crow is a derivative from the song "Jump Jim Crow" which was performed by the artist Thomas D. Rice, a white actor, (who became known as the "father of American minstrelsy."), who would blacken up his face and dance along to the song as a caricature of African Americans. This song and dance number was being performed as early as 1832. Here are the lyrics:

Come, listen, all you girls and boys, I'm just from Tuckahoe;
I'm going to sing a little song, My name's Jim Crow.
Chorus: Wheel about, and turn about, and do just so;
Every time I wheel about, I jump Jim Crow.
I went down to the river, I didn't mean to stay,
But there I saw so many girls, I couldn't get away.
I'm roaring on the fiddle, and down in old Virginia,
They say I play the scientific, like master Paganini,
I cut so many monkey shines, I dance the galoppade;
And when I'm done, I rest my head, on shovel, hoe or spade.
I met Miss Dina Scrub one day, I give her such a buss [kiss];
And then she turn and slap my face, and make a mighty fuss.
The other girls are going to fight, I told them wait a bit;
I'd have them all, just one by one, as I thought fit.
I whip the lion of the west, I eat the alligator;
I put more water in my mouth, then boil ten loads of potatoes.
The way they bake the hoe cake, Virginia never tire;
They put the dough upon the foot, and stick them in the fire.

Now just like the Golliwog doll the song Jump Jim Crow transformed itself through the years

until the name Jim Crow became a derogatory term used by whites the world over to describe every other race of colour, (Greeks, Hispanics, Italians, Native Americans, Asians, Middle Easterners and Indians), in a highly offensive and racist fashion. Is it me or is there a pattern emerging? More shockingly the name Jim Crow transformed itself into a term used, again by whites, for the laws in America which mandated segregation in all public facilities between 1876 and 1965, known as the Jim Crow Laws.

So there you have it, a soft toy doll with a blackface, oversized, ruby red lips and wild woolly hair which gave us the racist term "Wog" and a song and dance number which stereotyped African Americans, gave us the racist term "Jim Crow" and the rock which lies on my local beach.

Yet a prime time BBC broadcaster and daughter of a former Prime Minister still cannot understand why she's lost her job for using the word "Golliwog" to describe a black French tennis player and who refuses to issue an apology. And then there's the racist town where I live. Where you can find evidence of not one but both of these tragic reminders why we are a non-progressive race of people, right here on my local high street and on my local beach. Obviously I'll refrain from posting the town's name and location, for fear of being lynched.

Space brothers I am ready, please come get me now.

Shazbut Nanu-Nanu

A BBC NEWS FLASH!

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a news flash from the BBC. Some people may find the following news report on the BBC website...completely fucking pointless. Even the horses are dumbfounded. REPORT HERE

Deal Of The Century

If you haven't been hit too hard by the current global financial meltdown and you have some spare cash burning a hole in your pocket, then you could always buy this uber stylish piece of furniture from a company called Sonrisa.
The 'rare GF tanker desk' comes complete with rust 'distressed' look for extra authenticity and added WOW factor. Sonrisa doesn't explain where this piece origniated from, stating: "Most likely originally used in military/army base." Read: "found on skip."

But the best feature of this desk is the price, coming in at a snip for $3,000. BUY HERE

Infotainment's Finest Hour

BBC One's Question Time will air tonight with pop singer Will Young on the panel of experts. He'll be joined by Shami Chakrabarti of Liberty, Conservative shadow minister Theresa May, government minister Geoff Hoon and UKIP's Nigel Farage.
As Britain faces a deeper recession and unemployment figures continue to rise who else is there to look to for the answers of today's ills, than the winner of a television karaoke competition.

INTERMISSION

A Face Of A Generation Complete With Racist Breasts

Not to be outdone by the charm, wit and intelligence of Barack Obama it appears there is a new champion of the people, in the shape of 28 year-old Sheyla Hershey.

The model from Brazil is now the proud owner of a pair of record breaking 38KKK breasts and it only took nine operations to get them there. Sheyla said: "To me big is beautiful. I don't think I have anything to worry about." Oh Sheyla what are you like? Always the worrier. Always the worrier.

WTF, FTW And Now FML

FML stand for F**k My Life, a new website where ordinary people can post their most embarrassing and humiliating moments in life. Think Post Secret meets Twitter. As always we here at HMS Friday are only too happy to embrace anything which highlights the crushing defeat and general disappointment of life. If you really want to cheer yourself up by realising there are actually people out there worse off than you, then CLICK HERE.

Top Hollywood Scars

Hollywood is a place synonymous with outrageously good looking people, where the men are severely handsome and the women are shitpantingly beautiful. Throughout the early years Hollywood produced stereotypical leading men with chiseled chins and pecs of oak and leading ladies with ripe natural melons and pins which never quit.
But as the years rolled on actors and actresses emerged, (especially during the 70s) with more non-traditional looks. We don't know about you but we want our stars to look weathered, we want them to have flaws and facial imperfections. So here is a list, (in no discernible order), of some of the most famous stars whose scars we find interesting.

Harrison Ford - (Indiana Jones, Star Wars)

Location: Chin

Origin: According to Mr Ford he ended up with his scar when he crashed his car after losing control, whilst trying to put on his seat belt. Apparently he split his chin on the steering wheel.

Trivia: Ford's scar is highlighted in two of his films, Working Girl where he lies to Melanie Griffith that he picked it up in a bar room brawl and in Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade, where a young Indiana, (played by the late River Phoenix), reveals that the scar was an accident involving a bullwhip.

Michael K Williams - (Omar Little from The Wire)

Location: Across forehead down to cheek

Origin: A bar room brawl in Boston's Rustic Kitchen on his 25th birthday in which his face and neck were slashed with a razor. The attack nearly cost the actor his life as one of the cuts came close to his jugular vein and nearly killed him.

Trivia: Williams maintains that his acting career took off within months of the incident, with photographers stopping him on the street and offers flooding in to do music videos and roles as thugs in TV shows.

Tommy Flannagan - (Gladiator, Smokin Aces, Braveheart)


Location: Face (across both cheeks)

Origin: The Glaswegian actor was once a DJ and after leaving a club one night he was approached by a group of men who demanded his jacket and record collection. When he refused, Tommy was attacked and left with a Glasgow Smile.

Trivia: After a difficult recovery his long time friend, actor Robert Carlyle, suggested he get into acting. He worked alongside Carlyle in theatre for three years, before he secured his first major role in film for Mel Gibson's Braveheart. Gibson, seeing what a wonderful actor he was, gave Tommy an even bigger role then was originally scripted.


Tina Fey - (30 Rock, Baby Mama, Saturday Night Live)

Location: Chin up across cheek

Origin: Not much is known about the back story to Fey's scar but during an interview with Vanity Fair, her husband revealed that a stranger slashed Fey's face when she was only five years old. Apparently the incident occurred in the front yard of her house. Grim stuff.

Joaquin Phoenix - (Gladiator, Signs, Walk The Line)

Location: Upper lip

Origin: For many years it was assumed that the actor's scar was due to the result of a repaired cleft lip or palate, but during an interview Phoenix revealed that it is a birth mark. The actor said that during pregnancy his mother felt a sharp pain one day, and he was born with a mark on his lip.



Sandra Bullock - (Speed, A Time To Kill)

Location: Next to left eye

Origin: The actress got this scar when she was younger, after diving into a lake for a swim and hitting the side of her head on a rock.

Bruce Willis - (Die Hard, The Sixth Sense)

Location: Right shoulder

Origin: Contrary to popular belief the Hollywood action scar did not get this scar from a broken bottle during a fight when he tended bar. Instead his shoulder scar was the result of an operation after he broke his arm when he was 17 years old.


Sharon Stone - (Basic Instinct, Total Recall)

Location: Across neck

Origin: Probably the most mysterious Hollywood scar of all. It's claimed that she ended up with the scar in her youth when riding a horse, apparently her neck was left with the mark after she rode into a clothes line.

Trivia: Many people argue that Stone's scar doesn't even exist but in the movie Sphere a reference is made to it as the character she is playing undergoes a medical examination.

Johnny Depp - (Pirates Of The Carribean, Donnie Brasco, Blow)
Location: Arms

Origin: Depp has publicly confessed to being a self harmer in his early years which led to around eight scars which he currently bears on his arms. The star stated that his behaviour was brought on by the stress of family problems and his own insecurity.

Trivia: In a Smash Hits interview in 1993 the star said: "From time to time! I had this thing, you know, I think that in a way your body is a journal, for me it is anyway. I started scarring myself when I was a kid, it was just a way to remind myself of things that happened. I wouldn't advise it though! I haven't done it for a couple of years. It's like what sailors used to do, where every tattoo meant something, a specific time in your life when you make a mark on yourself, whether you do it yourself with a knife or with a professional tattoo artist"

Viggo Mortensen - (Lord Of The Rings, Eastern Promises)

Location: Upper Lip

Origin: Details are sketchy but it appears the actor scratched his lip on a barbed wire fence when he was young and full of booze.

Trivia: In an interview the star said: "I was 18. I stole some beer and a deerskin rug. Somebody had just skinned the deer. I put it on as a cape and was running around with this case of beer. Someone chased me, there was a fracas and a bit of barbed wire. It was silly."


Let's also not forget those who have shunned what was once thought to be a major taboo for an aspiring actor or entertainer - acne scars. Some famous examples include: Brian Cox, Laurence Fishburne, Ray Liotta, Cameron Diaz, Brad Pitt, Mel Gibson, Jet Li, F. Murray Abraham, Tommy Lee Jones, Seal, Bryan Adams, Bill Murray, Michael Stipe, Edward James Olmos, Dennis Farina and James Woods. Their facial imperfections did not hold them back and in many cases enhanced their careers and popularity with their fans.

Viva La Scar

Pretending Can Be Hard

Here's some audio which was leaked from the set of the upcoming blockbuster movie Terminator Salvation. As you can clearly hear it's of actor Christian Bale shouting, swearing and threatening Shane Hurlbut, director of photography, for walking in during the filming of a scene. Apparently the clip found it's way online after film execs sent it to the movie's insurance company in case Bale decided to quit.
As you can imagine the Internet is abuzz with many nerds taking time out from eating to criticise Bale for acting like a spoiled wankstaff, (an actor who is a little bit dramatic - jeez now there's a concept), but what we can't get our heads around throughout this entertaining tirade is Bale's accent. It dips and rises like a fucking Trans-Atlantic roller coaster.

AUDIO HERE

UPDATE: Thanks to a legion of unemployed geeks here is a remix of Bale's tantrum.

They Saw Me Coming

Last week I was out and about in the fine city of Glasgow entertaining a lovely young lady, (surprisingly enough for me she was the type without an air valve), and the evening was trundling along at a successful little canter when we had the misfortune of being mugged. It was a grisly affair which took place in a city centre pub called Waxy O'Connor's and I was left feeling empty, angry and frustrated. In advance I would like to warn you that the details of this crime are somewhat disturbing.

1 x Bottle of Miller Genuine Draft Beer
1x Glass of Rosie Wine
= £7.90

Like a rabbit caught in the headlights of a truck my overly polite auto-pilot handed over the cash before my brain could register that I had been officially mugged. Two drinks - better part of a tenner!

This weekrantends film reviews/stream of consciousness

by Frisbee Dog

Revolutionary Road

Being stuck in a room at a party for two hours with a couple who clearly hate each others guts but stay together because they would rather hate each other than be alone. Still its always better to see someone else's fucked up life for two hours than your own boring ass one. As 'Oddball' in Kelly's Heroes famously described rural France - 'everyone seems nice'. Even brain fried maths genius nutters, who apparently are just the sort of cats you should invite round for scones. In related nudity news, bearded clam fans should stay away. Sadly, (and rather disappointingly, i may add), Kate's famous unkempt pubic topiary remains kecks contained throughout the film. Warm beans all round. A trainsmall box should warn people with the certificate (15 but even though Kate Winslet's in it she doesn't drop em once, shit fella you don't even get side boob), we should picket this film. Bring back the muff!!! Our placards proudly claim. Cos that's what it is a muff. Not a bald pie, like a new born chick, like the orifice you pull that wee bag of entrails out of a chicken, but a muff with a healthy afro of hair, beckoning you in. "trust in my wirey orchard" it whispers. And as my pool boy Santiago says "ees just not a minge eef eet as no muff", god bless you Santiago and your tight cut off denim shorts.

Frost/Nixon

Also went to see Frost/Nixon which was gear. Sheeney is rapidly becoming, a safe bet. Always worth watching, its like a discovery channel documentary with "Vs" in the title. "Raptor vs T-Rex" or "50 cent vs having to do a video without taking his shirt off and working up a sweat in the gym, (purely for the benefit of all the women watching, which make up a huge part of the rap buying demographic - not thin white teenage boys. Oh no, how dare you. ppppppffffff. bullet magnet). Anyhoo, sheeny is the shit as usual but it gets you wondering that cos hes always playing other cats does he need reminding when he gets home who he is? Kind of like Mike from neighbours in Memento. He lifts up his shirt sleeve and its tattooed "You are Michael Sheen, you got ditched by Kate Beckinsale just as she was getting hot". Come to think of it id rather just stay David Frost. Which brings me (somehow) back to this weeks (apparent) theme. Not enough nudity. Not from Sheeny, but in the new Undergrowth film, Undergrowth: Rise Of The Candleford or whatever. Its an 18 for bee gees sake. again not even a side boob. Oh there's claret everywhere and werewolves and vampires and shit. but they forgot any tits. Way an get pumped.

Write to your MP, demand no nudity warnings on films.