Blame It On The Ninjas

Before you go and loop some plastic cord around your neck and genitalia in a seedy hotel room, you better make sure you leave instructions to your family that in the event of you going that little bit further this time, they can blame a secret society for your untimely and rather undignified death. It wasn't your fault you were found hanging naked in the closet with your special purpose bound up like a turkey at Christmas. Oh no, for you see it was the ninjas.

http://www.nypost.com/seven/06072009/news/regionalnews/whacky_kung_fu_172948.htm

Swine Flu Hits Our Town

Boy do we have egg on our faces. After our light ridicule of the possibility of a swine flu pandemic

in the news, the virus has shown up right on our door step, infecting our little town and effectively creating a mass panic. Yesterday alone Dunoon's local police force had to maintain order at the town's hospital after a few hundred people descended upon the causality unit at the same time to get tested and inoculated. We are, at present, non infected which is mainly down to the fact that nobody here likes us and refuses to hang about with us, proving that being an arsehole does have it's advantages.

How did this epidemic happen? Well you can read about it HERE, but the short version is the swine flu spread after it was passed on to friends, family and work colleagues by a small group of Rangers supporters who apparently caught it from the bus they had hired. Rumour has it traces of the virus were detected in the air conditioning system of the vehicle. Since then two schools have closed and a whole year of students from the local grammar school have been sent home too, more are to follow suit this week. There has also been talk of a meeting by council officials to decide whether or not to close the town off for a week, which makes no sense to us at all as the surrounding areas like Glasgow and Paisley already now have the virus too.

On Sunday night only 11 people were confirmed to have swine flu in Scotland, five days later that figure now stands well over 100, with the majority of cases coming from Dunoon. What surprises us is the way this situation is being reported by the news and by reported we mean being ignored like a fat, ugly stripper. It seems the UK national news is steering clear of this story, we've heard nothing about the outbreak on BBC, Sky, Five or even Four and if there has been a mention it was extremely brief. Scottish news programmes covered the situation for only one day and then pretty much left it after that, opting instead to gloss over the growing situation here, with engaging stories about wallabies, sheep and machines which fill pot holes in the road.
So here's a word to the wise. The amount of people coming down with the virus is rising daily and swine flu is set to spread further afield from Dunoon, so a smart person might want to sell his/her summer festival ticket(s), because the rate this virus is spreading we can foresee some major cancellations, not just in Scotland but around the UK itself. We'll keep you updated.

For Queen & Country

The Queen won't be present at this year's D-Day event in France, which will take place next week in Normandy, to commemorate 65 years since the allied invasion during World War II. In fact not one single member of the royal family will attend. Apparently the Palace are spinning some shite about how the Queen never received any official invitation, but French authorities are denying they snubbed her and have explained that she and any other member of the royal family are more than welcome to attend. But even now that the obvious air of confusion has been cleared, the Queen and her posse aren't that fucking bothered, as the Palace issued the following statement:

"We would like to reiterate that we have never expressed any sense of anger or frustration at all, and are content with all the arrangements that are planned."

Content? What does that even mean? You are happy to sit at home while the rest of the world pays tribute to the thousands of men and women who spilt their blood on the beaches of Normandy, for their country and their Queen, because you didn't get an invite?
Make yourself a fucking invite. Get up off your old, wrinkly royal arse and find some card from the palace stationary drawer, throw some glitter over it, pritt stick an old war picture on the front, post it to yourself then put your default, bland, non-descript ceremony frock on and shift you and your Nazi husband over there double time, you sour-faced old cow!

What Has Happened To Jay Wynne?

As I was sitting on deck last night watching the evening news on the British Broadcasting Corporation's channel number one, I realised something quite disturbing. BBC weather broadcaster Jay Wynne's voice has completely changed along with his accent and mannerisms. For months Jay has been popping up on my TV to tell me about low fronts and depressions with a distinctive gravely, sometimes hoarse sounding voice. When I first heard it I assumed the poor fellow was suffering from some sort of throat infection but as time rolled by and Jay continued to forecast I realised this was not the case. Then last night the Wynnemeister comes on and just like a beautiful song bird eloquently chirped through his forecast with a silky, soft new voice. But not only that the man is now devoid of his slight accent and actually looks and behaves like a completely different person. I cannot have been the only one who has noticed this remarkable change. If you think I'm crazy then check out the before and after videos below and tell me then that you can't hear a difference. Are the BBC running some sort of Stepford Forecasters style project behind the scenes?

BEFORE


AFTER

BBC News Flash # 2

We interrupt this broadcast, once more, to bring you yet another news flash from the BBC. Some people may find the following news report on the BBC website...completely fucking pointless. Apparently this "snow-crazed" stoat can "keep it up for 15 minutes at a time". Pppffffftttt, bloody amateur. BREAKING NEWS HERE

A BBC NEWS FLASH!

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a news flash from the BBC. Some people may find the following news report on the BBC website...completely fucking pointless. Even the horses are dumbfounded. REPORT HERE