Swine Flu Hits Our Town

Boy do we have egg on our faces. After our light ridicule of the possibility of a swine flu pandemic

in the news, the virus has shown up right on our door step, infecting our little town and effectively creating a mass panic. Yesterday alone Dunoon's local police force had to maintain order at the town's hospital after a few hundred people descended upon the causality unit at the same time to get tested and inoculated. We are, at present, non infected which is mainly down to the fact that nobody here likes us and refuses to hang about with us, proving that being an arsehole does have it's advantages.

How did this epidemic happen? Well you can read about it HERE, but the short version is the swine flu spread after it was passed on to friends, family and work colleagues by a small group of Rangers supporters who apparently caught it from the bus they had hired. Rumour has it traces of the virus were detected in the air conditioning system of the vehicle. Since then two schools have closed and a whole year of students from the local grammar school have been sent home too, more are to follow suit this week. There has also been talk of a meeting by council officials to decide whether or not to close the town off for a week, which makes no sense to us at all as the surrounding areas like Glasgow and Paisley already now have the virus too.

On Sunday night only 11 people were confirmed to have swine flu in Scotland, five days later that figure now stands well over 100, with the majority of cases coming from Dunoon. What surprises us is the way this situation is being reported by the news and by reported we mean being ignored like a fat, ugly stripper. It seems the UK national news is steering clear of this story, we've heard nothing about the outbreak on BBC, Sky, Five or even Four and if there has been a mention it was extremely brief. Scottish news programmes covered the situation for only one day and then pretty much left it after that, opting instead to gloss over the growing situation here, with engaging stories about wallabies, sheep and machines which fill pot holes in the road.
So here's a word to the wise. The amount of people coming down with the virus is rising daily and swine flu is set to spread further afield from Dunoon, so a smart person might want to sell his/her summer festival ticket(s), because the rate this virus is spreading we can foresee some major cancellations, not just in Scotland but around the UK itself. We'll keep you updated.

They Have No F**king Idea

As the threat of swine flu hangs heavy over us all it's worth noting that this recent panic, this recent tsunami of widespread fear and impending doom, is more than likely a right royal waste of fucking time. Take Keiji Fukuda for example, the World Health Organisation's flu expert, this merchant of doom recently stated that two billion people could be infected with the swine flu if the outbreak turns into a pandemic lasting two years. He then went on to qualify this shitpantingly scary claim by saying: "Please do not interpret this as a prediction for the future." So why make the fucking statement in the first place?

Vader's apprentice then went on to reveal that: "It would be a reasonable estimate to say perhaps a third of the world's population would get infected with this virus." But asked if this number was a reasonable prediction he replied: "We don't really know."

That's right the World Health Organisation's head honcho on viral diseases came forward to strike panic into everyone and pigs, by suggesting that swine flu could mark the end for a large number of us and that in just two years a third of the world's population would suffer from the virus. He then paused briefly to fill his mouth full of cream cake, shrugged his shoulders and sounding like Scooby Doo mumbled: "mmmmidon'tknow."

Our Swine Flu Tank

Preparing for the end of mankind is important, after all there are now three, yes three, new cases of swine flu in the UK and as I type this post there may now be three and a half. At this alarming rate of progression we'll be lucky to make it to the weekend which would be a real bummer, because I still have to find out what the other four Pussycat Dolls do. Are they singers? Are they just backing dancers? What are their names? They mesmerise and confuse me.

Never ones to rest on our laurels the HMS Friday crew have made all the necessary precautions to avoid infection from the swine flu by purchasing one of these bad boys online. The JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank is a snip at just under $20,000, has a top speed of 40mph and can carry up to five non-infected persons.

When the pandemic wipes out the majority of mankind we'll be slowly rolling through the deserted streets in our Badonkadonk with the HMS Friday flag flying high, if you see us just raise your infected withered arm and wave but don't bother to try and hitch a lift, we'll have chainsaws.

Get Your Pandemia Popcorn Ready

Remember when everyone rushed home from work to watch the televised invasion of Iraq and we all oohed and aahed as Bush rained missiles down onto Baghdad, killing countless innocent men and women while we ate our dinners? No? Well don't worry because now you don't even need to leave your computer to keep up to date with the Swine Flu pandemic, which is sweeping the world and will eventually wipe out the entire human race. That's right you can continue to shovel your face full of crisps and chocolate right over your keyboard while Google Maps informs you of how fast the flu is spreading, how many people have died, how many people have it and how many more are suspected of having it. Isn't the Internet great? Better log on and have a look...while you still can. MAPS HERE