Preparing for the end of mankind is important, after all there are now three, yes three, new cases of swine flu in the UK and as I type this post there may now be three and a half. At this alarming rate of progression we'll be lucky to make it to the weekend which would be a real bummer, because I still have to find out what the other four Pussycat Dolls do. Are they singers? Are they just backing dancers? What are their names? They mesmerise and confuse me.
Never ones to rest on our laurels the HMS Friday crew have made all the necessary precautions to avoid infection from the swine flu by purchasing one of these bad boys online. The JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank is a snip at just under $20,000, has a top speed of 40mph and can carry up to five non-infected persons.
When the pandemic wipes out the majority of mankind we'll be slowly rolling through the deserted streets in our Badonkadonk with the HMS Friday flag flying high, if you see us just raise your infected withered arm and wave but don't bother to try and hitch a lift, we'll have chainsaws.
Turns out my runaway imagination isn't so runaway these days, as pop culture in Britain has hit such a serious low that plans are now afoot to turn Jade Goody's life story into a genuine west end musical. Not just that, oh no, why stop there when so many more avenues can be exploited for profit with such wonderfully rich source material. As well as the musical a TV show is also planned, a reality TV show where you the public can watch as lucky hopefuls audition for the lead part in front of a panel of judges. Mmmm I wonder who would judge such an event....Oh how about whatshisface? Max Clifford. Yeah he'd be great, because after all he made a fucking ton of money knew Jade best. STORY HERE
Remember when everyone rushed home from work to watch the televised invasion of Iraq and we all oohed and aahed as Bush rained missiles down onto Baghdad, killing countless innocent men and women while we ate our dinners? No? Well don't worry because now you don't even need to leave your computer to keep up to date with the Swine Flu pandemic, which is sweeping the world and will eventually wipe out the entire human race. That's right you can continue to shovel your face full of crisps and chocolate right over your keyboard while Google Maps informs you of how fast the flu is spreading, how many people have died, how many people have it and how many more are suspected of having it. Isn't the Internet great? Better log on and have a look...while you still can. MAPS HERE
I trained like a beast this weekend out in the desert with my girlfriend and young son. They have to understand that this body of mine didn't happen by accident, it took hours and hours of slapping sand and yelling at rocks to obtain this chiseled physique. Thankfully this time I remembered to bring a bowl of salad to wash my hands in. Look out for my special desert, training, Al Fresco workout DVD in shops soon.
A few posts back we introduced you to Scotland's next top model, Ross something or other, and here he is again this time without all the slap and neon leg warmers. I'm not suggesting for a second that television is trying hard, I mean trying so very, very, very, very fucking hard to dumb down viewers by turning them into self- obsessed, narcissistic strokers, but programmes like this do make you wonder. Och I'm just being silly now, me and my runaway imagination. I'll be telling you next that at this rate they'll be turning Jade Goody's life into a west end musical. What am I like?
These pics were taken from a collection entitled Cardiff Nights Are Great, which isn't really fair on Cardiff, as we all know these pics symbolise exactly what every city/town centre looks like on a typical Saturday night. So with that in mind we hope these pics inspire you to go out and enjoy yourself this weekend in a typical British fashion. You can see the entire collection of these failure piles of human flesh urinating, bleeding, vomiting and practically copulating on the streets of Cardiff HERE.
Oh yes you can, in fact compared to that talentless lump of overpaid, over priviliged ass flesh you have the voice of an angel, sent straight from heaven. Still don't believe me take a listen. God bless Howard Stern.
And the water gets murkier and murkier. More questions are emerging about the death of Ian Tomlinson during the recent G20 protests, now that Channel Four News plan to broadcast new footage tonight of the 47 year-old being abused by police, while showing no signs of resistance. In yet another twist to this tale, it has emerged that the IPCC, (Independent Police Complaints Commission), tried to ban the footage by taking an injunction out against Channel Four, thankfully a judge refused to grant the court order.
Mr Tomlinson who was making his way home from work, with his hands in his pockets, was struck by a police baton first before being violently pushed to the ground. The newspaper vendor later died of what was first thought to have been a heart attack, but a postmortem later revealed internal bleeding led to Tomlinson's death.
This blatant move by the IPCC to cover up further damning evidence is a major blunder and will only lead people to assume that they have something to hide. You know you substitute the police uniforms for jeans and hoodies and you have a pretty solid murder case on your hands.
I just finished watching one of the best TV series I've ever had the pleasure of following. Breaking Bad aired on channel FX late last year with hardly any fanfare at all, resulting in many people missing out on it's deliciousness, it nearly went under my radar too. Without spoiling the series Breaking Bad basically deals with the Jekyll and Hyde lifestyle of placid chemistry teacher Walter White, played by Malcom In The Middle's father Bryan Cranston, who discovers he has terminal cancer. In a bid to make as much money as he can, to leave for his family when he dies, he embarks upon a life of crime by cooking up crystal meth with an ex-student of his and selling it, while still maintaining his roles and duties of loving husband and father. If you haven't already sampled the delights of Breaking Bad then do yourself a favour and seek it out, apparantly the new series starts sometime this year on FX, but that's about as much clarity as you're likely to get when it comes to programming in the UK.
With all the crap floating about on the Internet it's hard to find something of real value but this short film directed by Adam Berg is simply amazing. It basically features a stand-off between police and bank robbers in one single second of frozen time. Confused? Just watch the film.
If you want to know how they made this short film then head along to Carousel's main websiteand watch it there. While viewing it small pop up prompters will appear for you to click on so you can see how each part of the film was shot.
Unless you live under a rock you'll know that the star of Dirty Dancing and Ghost has cancer and is deteriorating fast. This picture pretty much proves how ill the 56 year-old actor is and how much weight he has lost due to his treatment. In true Swayze style though the man is still working on his new show The Beast and taking chemotherapy at the weekends. Legend.
We really have lost our way as a race, blindly crashing around in the room of life desperately hoping that we accidentally discover the answers we are looking for.
You just know his old man wants to slap the fake tan right off his fucking chops.
I have no idea who in the f**k Tamara Mellon is except that a) she is mega rich, b) she knows some guy called Jimmy who makes fancy-dan shoes for her and c) she makes me physically ill. She is also the girlfriend of Hollywood actor Christian Slater, is completely devoid of any morals and is a total hypocrite. In the following MTV Cribs video, (a programme I despise: "Hey losers look at the cool expensive shit I own and you don't and never f**king will."), Tamara casually gives you a tour of her modest pad exhibiting her range of fur jackets and snake skin purses and handbags. That's right PETA, if your reading this, her name is Tamara Mellon. Just to be sure now that's T-A-M-A-R-A M-E-L-L-O-N. A little hypocritical moment later we see her opening her fridge and proudly announcing that she only ever buys organic produce. So skinning baby seals and polar bears for jackets and slicing and dicing up snakes for bags and purses is cool, but eating non-organic food is like totally unacceptable, like totally? She also suffers from another excruciating disorder very rich people have of name dropping at every possible opportunity: "This is a picture of me having dinner with the Queen", "This is where I keep my original Andy Warhol", "My daughter Minty was a bridesmaid at Liz Hurley's wedding", "These dresses were worn to the Oscars and to Elton John's white tie and tiara sex fuelled orgies". She also informs us she was Woman Of The Year twice over, for what exactly I have no idea, except maybe for her expert baby seal, snake and polar bear hunting/trapping skills, and that her daughter is called Minty, you know like the ice cream flavour. Which reminds me, if ever I become rich and famous my first child will be called Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough...the Third. People like Tamara, materialistic, mega rich, ignorant, hypocritical, baby seal, polar bear and snake murdering people like Tamara, who we all should, in some sort of sick MTV way, aspire to be like, dress like and live like, make me yearn for the end of days. I can't wait to embrace the zombie apocalypse, the bubonic plague, the war to end all wars, the landing of an alien race intent on wiping out mankind. Solely because as I'm loading up my pump-action shotgun, pulling on my tight, (non-cowhide), leather biker trousers, adjusting my pirate eye patch and lighting up the world's largest cigar to single handedly save the human race, Tamara and people like Tamara will turn to me and my son, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough the Third, for help and I'll just casually shake my head and walk away in a cloud of non-organic cigar smoke. Pick yourself a f**king matching outfit for that day, bitch! Seriously though, this video will make you ill. Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to archive my underpants, so my future son can use them...in the future.
A 59-year old costume shop owner in Rhode Island has successfully managed to ruin my Easter weekend, by scaring the be-Jesus shit out of me. Like something from a John Carpenter horror movie Ann Bruno dons a scary mask in her shop while she's being interviewed by a television reporter about her arrest and subsequent charges of harassing and cyber stalking a local competitor. Apparently police claim she signed her competitor up for various “inquires and questions, debt-relief programs, which resulted in her receiving endless telephone calls at her place of business.”
The most unsettling thing about this video is the woman's behaviour but the sudden cameo appearance of her assistant court jester also melts the weirdometer. If I was eight years-old and had watched this I'd probably be dead right now.
Hollywood actor and "music historian" Billy Bob Thornton is in some sort of band called the Boxmasters, who play some sort of music. That's really not the interesting part of this post, what will hold your attention is Mr Thornton's behaviour throughout the filmed radio interview he and his band gave recently on-air. I defy anyone not to squirm half-way through this car crash as the actor is coaxed out of his mood by the hard work of the DJ, almost like a spoilt child would be coaxed out of his/her tantrum by an exhausted parent. Actors, don't you just love em'?
Here's the red band, (that means the not safe for work), trailer for Sacha Baron Cohen's new movie Bruno. It's been three years since his highly successful film Borat and three years of listening to annoying twats shouting "It's nice, no?" But a friend of mine, who watched a sneak preview of this film, confessed that it's even funnier and far more offensive than the one with the man from Kazakhstan.
Just punch in your date of birth before viewing. Month/Day/Year.
Todd Phillips is a director who came to prominence after his films Road Trip, Old School and Starksy And Hutch and now it looks like he's onto another winner with his latest offering The Hangover. It stars three largely unknown actors who are forced to piece together the night before in order to find out where their friend, (and groom to be), has vanished to. I of course have no idea what the morning after the night before feels like or what alcohol even tastes like. Drink is, as everyone knows, the devils' urine.
Apparently the British press have managed to get their collective panties all up in a huge bunch over Obama's wife breaking 'royal protocol' when visiting Bilbo and Frodo, her Majesty and the fun-sized Nazi. The first lady behaved in such a manner that the air was filled with horrified gasps and some people had to be treated for shock. The outrageous incident involved Michelle placing her arm around the Queen's shoulders and giving her a hug.
On a side note Obama was also instructed only to shake hands with the Queen only if she offered, (one must certainly touch the Queen if the monarch offers her hand though you should return this not with a firm handshake but just a touch), and that a bow or a curtsy wasn't necessary as Americans aren't the Queen's subjects, as the USA is independent from British rule. Yes, you read that last bit right.
You know this is the year 2009, in case anyone has forgotten, by now we should all be whizzing around on jet packs and using teleportation devices to travel the world in split seconds. But no, we're stuck in the middle ages with a wild hair up our arse about someone hugging and touching the Queen.
Posts
