For Queen & Country

The Queen won't be present at this year's D-Day event in France, which will take place next week in Normandy, to commemorate 65 years since the allied invasion during World War II. In fact not one single member of the royal family will attend. Apparently the Palace are spinning some shite about how the Queen never received any official invitation, but French authorities are denying they snubbed her and have explained that she and any other member of the royal family are more than welcome to attend. But even now that the obvious air of confusion has been cleared, the Queen and her posse aren't that fucking bothered, as the Palace issued the following statement:

"We would like to reiterate that we have never expressed any sense of anger or frustration at all, and are content with all the arrangements that are planned."

Content? What does that even mean? You are happy to sit at home while the rest of the world pays tribute to the thousands of men and women who spilt their blood on the beaches of Normandy, for their country and their Queen, because you didn't get an invite?
Make yourself a fucking invite. Get up off your old, wrinkly royal arse and find some card from the palace stationary drawer, throw some glitter over it, pritt stick an old war picture on the front, post it to yourself then put your default, bland, non-descript ceremony frock on and shift you and your Nazi husband over there double time, you sour-faced old cow!

She'll Shoot You In The Toodles

This little old, white haired, lady should be a shining example to us all. For some reason I can't help but imagine she has a cat named Sylvester. Carpe Diem, people. Carpe Diem.

Brooke Hogan Is Classy

Album art can either make or break the sale of a band's latest endeavour. Through the ages there have been some classics, which in fairness have been more memorable than the songs and some have been downright awful, which neatly links us to this fucking eyesore.

Hulk Hogan's mega rich daughter is a tad confused as to what to do with her life, so just like all the other rich kids in America she's launched a pop career and here is the artwork for her second album. As you can see Brooke has plumped for a cover which would look more at home if it had been airbrushed onto the side of a Californian paedophile's converted van or the bonnet of some mid-life crisis suffering 65 year-old's Trans Am. Not to mention the fact that she obviously sees herself as some hybrid belly dancing angel with white hair? Classy, subtle, understated, just like her vest wearing, perma-tanned old man.

Chk, Chk, Boom! Update

The racist bitch you can see in the video in the previous post below, who told Channel Nine news cameras exactly what went down on the streets of Sydney following a shooting outside a nightclub, is a big, attention seeking liar!
Turns out 19 year-old Clare Werbeloff didn't see a goddamn thing and her whole testimony is complete nonsense, lucky for her detectives will not be pressing charges, but there's also a bit of a twist here too. Miss Werbeloff became aware of her global viral attraction, with t-shirts being sold online with her face and the phrase "Chk Chk Boom!", within hours of the video going up on You Tube, so she hired a publicist and apparently isn't contractually obliged to speak to any media outlets except for Australia's Channel Nine. She will however tell all about her reasons for talking shit on Channel Nine's Current Affairs programme on Monday night. So basically, to recap she lied on national television about a serious crime which left a young man fighting for his life, signed a contract with a news agency for a sum of money to keep her racist gob shut, so that she can get her own exclusive airtime explaining how the ordeal has effected her. Is it me?

Chk, Chk, Boom!

What happens when today's narsissitic, twitter, facebook obsessed youth wittness a serious crime. A crime so serious it leaves somebody fighting for their life? They see the whole thing unfold in front of them and the only way of expressing how they feel about the terrible crime is to a TV camera. Cue racism, action movie sound effects, inappropriate smiling, total lack of humanity and the use of the word "awesome". Sadly it appears the wrong person has been shot here although Carol Thatcher will be proud.

Reporting Scotland: Pulitzer Prize Winning Journalism

We are huge fans of the national Scottish news programme Reporting Scotland, but for all the wrong reasons as it leaves us in hysterics every night. We shouldn't laugh though as BBC Scotland have brand new, state-of-the-art, multi million pound offices in Glasgow's Pacific Quay, so you would assume that their flagship news programme would be a big, sparkly, finely polished affair. That couldn't be further from the truth, over the past few years this programme has become progressively worse, it sometimes feels like the only thing holding it together is some blu-tack, masking tape and week old chewing gum. The production is practically non-existent, the reporting is woeful and the story selection is fucking hilarious. That's why we love it though, it's become a ritual at HMS Friday's HQ to sit around the television, buckle ourselves in and watch the car crash unfold.

But tonight Reporting Scotland televised something very special, a landmark incident, an indelible mark on the history of broadcast journalism. This event was so awesome it left our mouths open and our ham and cheese toasties on the floor and it had nothing to do with the full five minutes of silence which had happened earlier in the programme, due to a problem they were having with the sound. No, tonight we watched a female reporter interview a dog.
How did she do this? How on earth did she manage to interview an animal? Well she basically approached the dog in the street and asked it a question. Simple as that.
The "news" item she was reporting on was about Susan Boyle and the singer's chances of winning the Britain's Got Talent grand finale. During this segment the reporter "hit the streets" of West Lothian to gauge public opinion, (vox pop), and spied a dog on a lead with it's owner, but instead of interviewing the human she used her skills as a journalist to shake things up, she took broadcast journalism outside of the box, as she approached the dog with microphone in hand and shouted at the canine "Are you supporting Susan?" The dog, fearing for it's life, barked at her, the reporter laughed, the dog's owner laughed and our necks back home went bright red, as we looked at each other in a silent shared and cherished moment of total disbelief.

Take a look for yourselves HERE

Matt And Kim Have Balls...Literally

Matt and Kim - "LESSONS LEARNED" (OFFICIAL VIDEO) from FVMMO FILMS on Vimeo.

This video is memorable for two reasons: 1) It's simple premise and 2) The ending. Even if you don't like the song or can't remember the name of the band, you will almost certainly remember the video, which cost next to nothing to make.

Jesus Christ! Will You Cut That Shit Out!

Better Looking Than Mickey Rourke

I haven't seen the critically acclaimed movie The Wrestler, nor do I have any great ambition to do so, movie actors with IRA tattoos turn me off a tad or any terrorist organisation based ink for that matter, but I do want to see The Calamari Wrestler.
Only from Japan would they make a movie about a giant squid who wrestles for a living. Below is the trailer for this deeply moving tale of a cephalopod who can manoeuvre out of any wrestling hold, but his personal life and sporting career clash as he prepares to take on a Mantis Shrimp called the Squilla Boxer. If this movie doesn't make you laugh, cry or make you tad bit hungry, then you are dead my friend. Dead!

I'm As Mad As Hell

Sitting watching the news as sweaty, mealy mouthed politicians skirt around the issue of their outrageous expenses for the maintenance of their pools, moats and tennis courts, I could only think of one man - Howard Beale.
Network was made in 1976 yet the mad rantings of Peter Finch's character still ring true today. We've had the global financial meltdown, the greedy rich bankers, the illegal wars, the rising unemployment, the continued ignorance over global warming, the heavy handed police, rising crime and the implementation of ID cards and now the realisation that parliament is nothing more than a collusion of politicians working together for themselves, against the people. I think it's time to get out of our seats...or we are fucked!

They Have No F**king Idea

As the threat of swine flu hangs heavy over us all it's worth noting that this recent panic, this recent tsunami of widespread fear and impending doom, is more than likely a right royal waste of fucking time. Take Keiji Fukuda for example, the World Health Organisation's flu expert, this merchant of doom recently stated that two billion people could be infected with the swine flu if the outbreak turns into a pandemic lasting two years. He then went on to qualify this shitpantingly scary claim by saying: "Please do not interpret this as a prediction for the future." So why make the fucking statement in the first place?

Vader's apprentice then went on to reveal that: "It would be a reasonable estimate to say perhaps a third of the world's population would get infected with this virus." But asked if this number was a reasonable prediction he replied: "We don't really know."

That's right the World Health Organisation's head honcho on viral diseases came forward to strike panic into everyone and pigs, by suggesting that swine flu could mark the end for a large number of us and that in just two years a third of the world's population would suffer from the virus. He then paused briefly to fill his mouth full of cream cake, shrugged his shoulders and sounding like Scooby Doo mumbled: "mmmmidon'tknow."

What Has Happened To Jay Wynne?

As I was sitting on deck last night watching the evening news on the British Broadcasting Corporation's channel number one, I realised something quite disturbing. BBC weather broadcaster Jay Wynne's voice has completely changed along with his accent and mannerisms. For months Jay has been popping up on my TV to tell me about low fronts and depressions with a distinctive gravely, sometimes hoarse sounding voice. When I first heard it I assumed the poor fellow was suffering from some sort of throat infection but as time rolled by and Jay continued to forecast I realised this was not the case. Then last night the Wynnemeister comes on and just like a beautiful song bird eloquently chirped through his forecast with a silky, soft new voice. But not only that the man is now devoid of his slight accent and actually looks and behaves like a completely different person. I cannot have been the only one who has noticed this remarkable change. If you think I'm crazy then check out the before and after videos below and tell me then that you can't hear a difference. Are the BBC running some sort of Stepford Forecasters style project behind the scenes?

BEFORE


AFTER

This Wolverine Is Better

It's no great secret that Hugh Jackman's new Wolverine movie is a crock of shit but what is a surprise is the trailer for the game, which is ten times better than the film and it's only a minute long. You be the judge.

Best Fight Scene of 2009

Andy Samberg and Will Arnett in Slaughter Shack - watch more funny videos

Forget Star Trek, Transfomers 2 and Terminator Salvation because Slaughter Shack is going to be this summer's blockbuster. Just check out this clip and tell me that is not the best fight scene ever committed to celluloid.

Chris Chan - The Creepiest Guy On The Internet

I'm not employed by the F.B.I. but if I was employed by the F.B.I. you can be fucking sure I'd be watching this guy very closely. I'd be hiding in his garden staking out his house with a pair of night vision goggles waiting for him to reveal his torture dungeon, filled with kidnapped high school girls and lamp shades made from human skin. Maybe that's harsh but confessing shit like this online to an audience of millions really sets off the old alarm bells, that and the fact his girlfriend is a blow up doll called Ivy, which you can see in his other award winning videos. Is that Goodbye Horses I can hear?