Ronald Jenkees: The New King Of Pop

First Farrah Fawcett, then Ed McMahon and now the King Of Pop Michael Jackson. There really is something rather spooky about this unwritten rule of celebrity deaths happening in clusters of three.
As Jacko's fans whip themselves up into a frothing, hysterical orgy of grief its apparent that the star's sudden demise leaves an opening for some new pretender to take over the mantle of King Of Pop and we think we've found the right cat.
Ronald Jenkees might look like the estranged son of Eric Morecombe but the kid has mad skillz when it comes to making music. Check out this tight little jam as Jenkees blazes a trail.

"I Hope That's No A Jobbie"

Oasis recently played a sell out gig at Murrayfeild rugby stadium in Edinburgh. At the end of the concert the crowd, now well oiled with alcohol decided that waiting to climb the stairs to exit the terraces was a waste of time, so they ascended the seating instead. Amidst this blatant health and safety free display some classy young lady decided to pull her knickers down and have a piss right in front of them. Not to the side or over in a corner, right in front of them so they had to pass her to leave...as she was pissing!

HMS Friday Podcast On The Way

We've been promising this for some time now but we are finally reaching the final few hurdles. Equipment has been ordered, plans have been drawn up, music has been sourced and tea and biscuits are a waiting in the wings. In the meantime we've been listening to our own special favourite podcasts online. Links below.

To save a bit of time explaining what the podcast goals and aims are, here is a brief synopsis:

Each Friday Grant and Chris will host the HMS Friday Podcast, where they will share tea and biscuits in a raw unedited conversation about what they did, watched, attended, experienced during the week and what they're prospective plans are for the weekend ahead. Guests will be joining them on the one condition that they bring they're own biscuits for Grant and Chris to taste and critique. Basically it will be about two really boring, uninspired and slightly depressed individuals talking a power of shite for 45 minutes so that you, the listeners, can revel in the fact that your lives are infinitely more exciting and satisfying than our own.

Podcasts We've Been Listening To This Week

The Slash Filmcast

The Adam Carolla Podcast

Smodcast

Movie Overdose

Glasgow Podcart

A Bona Fide Tool Of Oppression

You just know this arsehole was bullied a lot at school. Watch the video above as Texas Deputy Chris Bieze tasers a 72 year-old woman. That's right this failure pile of flesh decided that shooting an old lady with two darts and then pumping her elderly body with tens of thousands of volts of electricity was well within the boundaries of normality. Regardless of the fact that his Sasquatchian frame could have easily overpowered the woman from Midlle Earth.
Apparently the little old lady was pulled for being slightly over the speed limit in a construction zone and refused to sign for the speeding ticket. Way to go Deputy Bieze you bagged yourself a real Ma Barker, you better rush off to deed poll so you can change your name to Elliot Ness. Levelling up big fella. Levelling up.

Now This Is How You Protest

Getting angry is fine, getting vocal is even better, taking to the streets is perfect but having a protest picnic is definitely the way forward. Here's a video of two people filmed by Don't Panic soaking up some rays, drinking a little champagne and treating themselves to some juicy strawberries on the grounds of a very large house.

The uppity, prehistoric thieving arsehole who owns this wonderful property, which the British public has paid for the upkeep of, is none other than Anthony Steen, the Conservative MP for Totnes in England. The right honourable Mr Steen helped himself to around £90,000 of taxpayers money to spend on the maintenance of his grounds and guess what? He doesn't think there's anything wrong with that. In fact Mr Steen believes the reason everyone has their panties all up in a tight bunch about his spending habits is down to nothing more than jealousy. Recently interviewed on Radio Four Mr Steen vented his spleen and stated: "Do you know what this is about? Jealousy. I have got a very, very large house. Some people say it looks like Balmoral. It does me nicely."

Don't Panic have the right idea, why get angry when you can get even. Seeing as a large portion of the grounds belongs to the British taxpayer they've invited us all down to share some quality summer fun in the sun. Dig out that tartan picnic rug sharpish, because this is how you protest.

Listen to Mr Steen's radio interview HERE. His pomposity is astounding.

Shutter Island Trailer

I am an unapologetic Dennis Lehane fan. I've read most of his books and nearly did a backward somersault when I heard that Martin Scorsese, (arguably one of the greatest directors of our time), was adapting Shutter Island into a blockbuster movie. Just as I was slipping on my gymnastics leotard and rubbing talcum powder into my hands I then heard that Leonardo DiCaprio was to star.

It's not that I think that Leo is a bad actor, he quite obviously isn't, but he doesn't have the manly chops to pull off parts which require, gritty, tough and testosterone fuelled characters, which is why I had a problem with The Departed.

However it appears from the trailer that Scorsese has nailed the creepy, unsettling atmosphere of the book, but I'll reserve judgement on Ladyboy DiCaprio's performance for now.

Blame It On The Ninjas

Before you go and loop some plastic cord around your neck and genitalia in a seedy hotel room, you better make sure you leave instructions to your family that in the event of you going that little bit further this time, they can blame a secret society for your untimely and rather undignified death. It wasn't your fault you were found hanging naked in the closet with your special purpose bound up like a turkey at Christmas. Oh no, for you see it was the ninjas.

http://www.nypost.com/seven/06072009/news/regionalnews/whacky_kung_fu_172948.htm

Swine Flu Hits Our Town

Boy do we have egg on our faces. After our light ridicule of the possibility of a swine flu pandemic

in the news, the virus has shown up right on our door step, infecting our little town and effectively creating a mass panic. Yesterday alone Dunoon's local police force had to maintain order at the town's hospital after a few hundred people descended upon the causality unit at the same time to get tested and inoculated. We are, at present, non infected which is mainly down to the fact that nobody here likes us and refuses to hang about with us, proving that being an arsehole does have it's advantages.

How did this epidemic happen? Well you can read about it HERE, but the short version is the swine flu spread after it was passed on to friends, family and work colleagues by a small group of Rangers supporters who apparently caught it from the bus they had hired. Rumour has it traces of the virus were detected in the air conditioning system of the vehicle. Since then two schools have closed and a whole year of students from the local grammar school have been sent home too, more are to follow suit this week. There has also been talk of a meeting by council officials to decide whether or not to close the town off for a week, which makes no sense to us at all as the surrounding areas like Glasgow and Paisley already now have the virus too.

On Sunday night only 11 people were confirmed to have swine flu in Scotland, five days later that figure now stands well over 100, with the majority of cases coming from Dunoon. What surprises us is the way this situation is being reported by the news and by reported we mean being ignored like a fat, ugly stripper. It seems the UK national news is steering clear of this story, we've heard nothing about the outbreak on BBC, Sky, Five or even Four and if there has been a mention it was extremely brief. Scottish news programmes covered the situation for only one day and then pretty much left it after that, opting instead to gloss over the growing situation here, with engaging stories about wallabies, sheep and machines which fill pot holes in the road.
So here's a word to the wise. The amount of people coming down with the virus is rising daily and swine flu is set to spread further afield from Dunoon, so a smart person might want to sell his/her summer festival ticket(s), because the rate this virus is spreading we can foresee some major cancellations, not just in Scotland but around the UK itself. We'll keep you updated.

Jim Devine: What Is Going On?

The Labour MP for Livingstone will today face a special internal party investigation following some rather tasty revelations in his parliamentary expenses. The Daily Telegraph published details of Jim Devine's expenses including claims he submitted receipts from a company that may never have existed.

Do us a favour, stop whatever else you are doing right now as you're reading this post. Put down your mug, stop listening to iTunes in the background and read over that last sentence once more.

"...he submitted receipts from a company that may never have existed."

This right honourable gentleman is to face a special National Executive Committee endorsements panel, (whatever the fuck that means?), who will then decide if Mr Devine should stand as an MP for Livingstone in the next general election. He currently hasn't been charged by the police for fraud, he hasn't lost his job or been forced to pay back the money which he allegedly stole. No, the strongest action yet taken against Mr Devine is a meeting to discuss whether he should stand as an MP at the next election, which could be more than a year away. What the fuck is going on?

You know, call us cynical but it appears they're getting off with this scot free.

N.B. Mr Devine throughout his political career voted strongly against an investigation into the Iraq war, voted strongly in favour of ID cards but has yet to vote on a transparent parliament.

http://www.theyworkforyou.com/mp/jim_devine/livingston