Monday, 23 February 2009
by Frisbee Dog
Push is pretty much OK, until the last fifteen minutes when you realise that its 'the first part in a planned trilogy' which, due to this film being not that much cop, will never be made. Now I'm not going to cry into my post cinema Creme De Menthe, which Luigi my drinks waiter has kindly and expertly prepared, over the loss of Push 2 and 3. But I could probably have done with knowing this at the beginning, which would have informed on my choice to waste 2 hours of my time on a story that won't end properly. On a more positive note director Paul McGuigan again sees fit to litter the film with his own personal trademark, that of really terrible wallpaper....everywhere. This cat is a bargain bucket at Homebase's wet dream. And a warning for those of a perverted nature, wear your industrial sandpaper kecks - Dakota Fanning is not yet pedo bear approved.
Anvil is what would be referred to as 'a triumph of human spirit against the odds', except no one really triumphs. It is however funny as fuck and proves that however much you believe in yourself you will still be shit if you are. Also rock/scat fans should however look out for the painting scene which is the funniest thing I've seen all year. Maplethorpe would be proud.
Sunday, 22 February 2009
Tuesday, 17 February 2009
science fiction re-imagining of...yes, you guessed it.
Really, is this what we are prepared to sell our cousins across the Atlantic? Is this all the British film industry can come up with, Guy Ritchie London gangster films and now comedy/horror/ Laurel & Hardy style romps? At this rate it won't be long before we start re-making the Carry On films...wait, we already tried that.
Monday, 16 February 2009
I won't spoil it for you but it's basically about a woman in Ohio who "exercised" her husband to death. Just in case you thought that was the weird bit wait till you get to the second last paragraph, it's almost like M Night Shyamalan wrote this piece. STORY HERE
Sunday, 15 February 2009
For example, I was watching an old movie last night called The Killing Of A Chinese Bookie directed by John Cassavetes. There is a scene in the movie where the main character Cosmo, played by the brilliant Ben Gazzara, is talking on the phone to his club's bartender and shouting: "Are there letters on the wall that say p-a-r? There's another card that says moon. Well, what's he singing? Like being hit by a bolt of lightening I instantly realised I had heard this phrase before and it wasn't long until I had figured it out.
In the music video for David Gray's song Sail Away, (where David is staggering home from the pub during a typical Saturday night), there is a scene where a man on the street with a broken nose is talking on his mobile asking: "Are there letters on the wall which read p-a-r? There's another card that says moon. Well, what's he singing?" Since that video first aired I always wondered where that phrase came from and now nearly ten years later I discovered the answer. Just another little piece of the jigsaw.
by Frisbee Dog
I'm going to do both films at once for some good reason. Benjamin Button is brilliant, so brilliant in fact that after I finished watching it and was waiting outside for my driver Pepe to pick me up in the town Bentley, I could not for the life of me remember what the first film was that i went to see earlier that day. Eventually I rummaged around in my pocket and found a ticket stub to find it was Kinky Christian... or whatever. And the thing is, the first film featured Scarlet Joehansome gubbing into Penelope Pitstop and I had completely forgotten about it. Three choices 1) early onset mad cow, 2) brain penis blockage (see 1), 3) Benjamin Button is such a well crafted, magical, deeply moving, incredibly poignant film, that just steamrolled the best film Woody Allen has made since Deconstructing Harry, which features chicks winching.
I'm not going to even mention the special effects, because after about half an hour you just forget they're there. Like Nazis always speaking English.
Word of warning - expectant fathers beware. Be prepared for a new nightmare, (to add to the legion of others), where your progeny is born a tiny old pruney dude.
I hope this doesn't sound like I'm blowing smoke up Benjamin Buttons ass, but it also happens to be part of a very rare breed of film now-a-days that actually knows how to end. The closing coda alone is worth the three hours and brings the film full circle in a way that just seems so right.
Cant recommend this highly enough.
Bring on Crank 2
Thursday, 12 February 2009
For example if I'm walking down a street and I see you up ahead on the other side of the street, I'll say out loud, to myself: "Oh look, there's whodoyamacallit whatshishersface." And then I'll wave over to you and if you don't happen to initially see me and wave back I then say, (while waving like a loon),: "Oh...oh...oh aye you never saw me there."(you do see me and you do wave back), "Oh no, no, no wait, aye you did. Aye there you go. Aye hello how you doin'?" At this point after we've finished waving at each other I realise I've been speaking out loud again and so I increase the speed of my walk or turn into a shop I have absolute no interest in, knowing full well somebody must have heard me and they're probably now convinced I'm on a special day out.
But what I've just recently realised is that the people I know, the people that I wave to are sometimes close enough to notice that I'm talking to myself. They can't hear what I'm saying but they're close enough to see my lips moving and since I'm not with anyone they must be thinking to themselves: "Who the fuck is he talking to? Is he talking to himself? I bet he's waving over at me and saying to himself: "Look at that arsehole waving at me. I can't stand him/her. Aye that's right, wave over ya cabbage.""
Needless to say I'm now putting a stop to it now. Talking to myself and swearing are now things of the past and my lips won't move again when I see you in the street. I promise. But I'm interested to know, am I alone in this matter?
These types of holes made me feel very uneasy and would leave me with an overwhelming sense of panic. I was fearful for what lay at the bottom of these chasms, they might be lairs for demons, large horrific monsters, or just one massive, over-sized tentacle. My biggest fear was that the hole would just keep widening and the earth around it's perimeter would continue to crumble into it, until the hole itself had engulfed the entire planet.
There was a reason for my fear back then and surprisingly enough it wasn't connected to chronic drug abuse or an abnormal addiction to sherbet or slush puppies, it stemmed from a low budget horror movie made in 1987 called The Gate.
The Gate tells the story of three young American kids who bury their dead dog in a large hole in their suburban back garden, a hole which has mysteriously appeared following the removal of an old tree. After their pet's burial lots of strange, horrific things start to happen, all of them centred around the hole in the garden. (Yes, that's a very young Stephen Dorff with a red jacket in the trailer).
Needless to say I soiled myself when I first watched this. I'm not good with horror movies and I'm a hysterical mess with horror movies about deep, mysterious holes. So you can imagine how tight my sphincter muscles moved when I read about Hollywood re-making this movie. Apparently Alex Winter, (he of Bill and Ted fame), will direct, with Stephen Dorff rumoured to reprise his role as Glen and the whole movie will be in shot in glorious 3D. I'll probably go see it for the nostalgia aspect alone, but there's no guarantee I won't end up autographing my own gusset.
G.I. Joe, the terrible cartoon from the 80s has been turned into a summer blockbuster movie starring Dennis Quaid and Christopher Eccleston. Here's some sneak preview footage. I can't wait.
Wednesday, 11 February 2009
From this day forth I've decided to give up swearing, cursing, blaspheming or using words which would generally offend sensitive, more religious, arts and crafts types. Not that I swear a lot, but I want to try it for a sustained period of time, like a social experiment to see if anyone notices and if they do how they'll react, (I know, I want to get out a lot more this year).
My plan is to substitute every fuck, bloody, bastard, prick, bawbag, wanker, big shite, total cock, mother fucker, cock sucker, fanny, fud, arsehole, tit and the c-word, (which I only ever use in emergencies), for more user friendly, alternative words and phrases like - holy moly, holy bibles, gracious, geewhizzz, oh goodness, oh my my, heavens to murgatroid, no chance lance, no way jose, geez oh, mother father, jobbies, gosh, gosh golly gee, mamma mia, jeepers, fudge and doofus.
If you have a favourite alternative swear word then by all means leave a comment so I can add it to my nice, new inoffensive vocabulary for 2009.
As you can see from the video above this rather severe looking gentleman, (who wouldn't look out of place as a James Bond villian), has little time for people who interrupt him. And by little we mean nanoseconds. Notice how he catches even the European Mullet Wearing Champion completely off-guard. The helpful translation balloons give you a rough idea what he's saying and so do his hands.
At least they're culturally aware.
As the tabloids hilariously appear to grow morals and lay into the Olympic champion, we here at HMS Friday would like to congratulate the man for making an effort. Getting high, drunk and losing a small fortune in the same night usually leads to some sort of legendary status. At long last we have a sportsman with some character and personality. All hail Phelps. MORE HERE
Tuesday, 10 February 2009
You can take Transformers 2, the new Harry Potter movie, Watchmen and Terminator Salvation and ram them right up your muck spreader. There is and will be only one film worth watching in 2009 and it's called Bronson. Directed by Nicolas Winding Refn, he of the Pusher Trilogy fame, and starring newcomer Tom Hardy as Charles Bronson, (no not the Death Wish bloke), it tells the true story of a Welsh born strongman and bare knuckle boxer, who has spent most of his life in prison. If this performance doesn't put Hardy on the Hollywood map then...just watch the trailer.
Apparently readers of the magazine voted Courtney as an inspirational figure for woman of all ages, on account of her brave "turn around" in lifestyle, (her win was in no way related to the imminent launch of her own clothing line later this year),
Obviously receiving the award took its toll on Courtney who, as you can see, looked "exhausted" after the event. Yes, she certainly has made a significant "turn around". Keep inspiring Courtney. MORE PICS HERE
Geeks around the world dropped their party-sized bags of crisps and raised their hands up from their keyboards, in triumphant nerdgasm splendor yesterday, following Marvel Comics exciting new announcement.
The bosses at social networking website Twitter are planning to charge companies and corporates for tweetering in the near future. After turning down a buy out deal from Facebook it appears that Twitter could now be making changes to their business model to capitalise on the growing number of users.
Here's some sneak preview footage of his latest effort Inglorious Basterds, (why the misspell?), starring professional African baby adopter Brad Pitt.
Monday, 9 February 2009
I haven't seen The Wrestler, although Frisbee Dog tells me I should, but I somehow imagine that the situations Mickey Rourke finds himself in the film, aren't a million miles away from the incident you can watch in the video above.
Apparently on 7th February after a WWE Raw event, (whatever the fuck that is?), at Victoria in Canada, wrestler Chris Jericho was mobbed by angry fans as he tried to leave the arena's car park. Due to a complete lack of security, one female fan, who was so incensed by Jericho's presence, got close to the wrestler and spat in his face.
Now I'm a full blooded, physically fit, highly active male and at no point in my life do I ever foresee either spitting on somebody, or provoking a professional wrestler in an angry fashion. Justifiably Jericho lashed out, (spitting is deemed legally as assault), and took matters into his own hands as you will see in the video.
But this is where things get a little hazy for me. I have this undeniable feeling that all of this is yet another crock of shit and is either a publicity stunt or part of a viral video marketing campaign. WWE has a notorious reputation for playing out pretend situations in a highly realistic and convincing fashion, (after all that's the whole ethos of professional wrestling), and I can't help but wonder if maybe this is just another fine example of their work. See what you think.
the sopranos, uncensored. from victor solomon on Vimeo.
Here's a video created by a guy called Victor Solomon which contains every swear word ever uttered, in chronological order, from the hit TV series The Sopranos. This video is half an hour long but strangely manages to hold your attention, much like a hypno toad.
Needless to say motherfuckers this fucking video is far from fucking safe for fucking watching at your fucking work or round the fucking house when small fucking children are within fucking earshot, you dumb mother fuckers. Just watch the fucking video, you fucking fucks.
Drinking in the morning sun
Blinking in the morning sun
Shaking off the heavy one
Heavy like a loaded gun
What made me behave that way?
Using words I never say
I can only think it must be love
Oh, anyway, it’s looking like a beautiful day
Someone tell me how I feel
It’s silly wrong but vivid right
Oh, kiss me like the final meal
Yeah, kiss me like we die tonight
Cause holy cow, I love your eyes
And only now I see the light
Yeah, lying with me half-awake
Oh, anyway, it’s looking like a beautiful day
When my face is chamois-creased
If you think I’ll wink, I did
Laugh politely at repeats
Yeah, kiss me when my lips are thin
Cause holy cow, I love your eyes
And only now I see you like
Yeah, lying with me half-awake
Stumbling over what to say
Well, anyway, it’s looking like a beautiful day
So throw those curtains wide!
One day like this a year’d see me right!
There is absolutely nothing genuine about this prank call "gone wrong" and I could list a hundred fucking reasons why, but instead I'll list just two:
1. The set up - You won't come across a neater set-up than this. It starts with a challenge and then the first arc of the call is delivered as the caller is informed what she has to do to succeed, which then drives us neatly into the second arc of the call the "reveal" which propels us to the third and final arc of the call the all important "twist". A perfect three arc storyline which even Shakespeare would be proud of.
2. If this call were genuine the DJs involved and their employers would be sued fucking senseless for their inappropriate actions by causing unnecessary stress and trauma to the man and woman involved. The lawsuit would make the news and everybody and their fucking dog would know about it. Needless to say that hasn't happened.
Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies.
Blot 3D - anyone who sees this and says "it was just missing that Pixar magic, and was not quite as good as Finding Nemo/The Incredibles" take them out the front of the cinema and shoot them in the face, hard. These films are not made for you, you twat. Way and greet about Star Wars. I enjoyed the shit out of this. Has anyone else noticed that the only American films to show a realistic proportion of the American characters as being chronically obese are Pixar/Disney. True story - check it out. At least 80% are fat fucks and in the cartoons they are quite fat too. The 3D effect was as usual absolutely spot on and largely subtle in use (I'm looking at you Journey To The Centre Of The Earth), but its impossible to describe, so I'm not going to bother my arse.
The Good, The Bad, The Weird - good old South Korea. If ever you were feeling that every film is the same all the way through watch one of these bad boys cos the whip pans between violence, stunning cinematography and bizarre wince inducing slapstick would give the hulk a sore neck. Again I enjoyed this nonsense, because, hey it was fun and well made and was made to be fun. Not high art, but fun. Take a chuck up you Guinness supping, decent electronic producing, under nutbag commie fellas.
Friday, 6 February 2009
Now in 1988 the world famous jam manufacturers James Robertson & Son decided to remove pictures of Golliwogs from the lids of their jam jars after 78 years. It followed a boycott of their products by the Greater London Council who found the images offensive. Even though the production of Golliwog paraphernalia isn't illegal to this day, it is still heavily frowned upon and to find this in my local store is quite tragic.
I'm going to sing a little song, My name's Jim Crow.
Chorus: Wheel about, and turn about, and do just so;
Every time I wheel about, I jump Jim Crow.
I went down to the river, I didn't mean to stay,
But there I saw so many girls, I couldn't get away.
I'm roaring on the fiddle, and down in old Virginia,
They say I play the scientific, like master Paganini,
I cut so many monkey shines, I dance the galoppade;
And when I'm done, I rest my head, on shovel, hoe or spade.
I met Miss Dina Scrub one day, I give her such a buss [kiss];
And then she turn and slap my face, and make a mighty fuss.
The other girls are going to fight, I told them wait a bit;
I'd have them all, just one by one, as I thought fit.
I whip the lion of the west, I eat the alligator;
I put more water in my mouth, then boil ten loads of potatoes.
The way they bake the hoe cake, Virginia never tire;
They put the dough upon the foot, and stick them in the fire.
Thursday, 5 February 2009
The 'rare GF tanker desk' comes complete with
As Britain faces a deeper recession and unemployment figures continue to rise who else is there to look to for the answers of today's ills, than the winner of a television karaoke competition.
Wednesday, 4 February 2009
Tuesday, 3 February 2009
But as the years rolled on actors and actresses emerged, (especially during the 70s) with more non-traditional looks. We don't know about you but we want our stars to look weathered, we want them to have flaws and facial imperfections. So here is a list, (in no discernible order), of some of the most famous stars whose scars we find interesting.
Harrison Ford - (Indiana Jones, Star Wars)
Origin: According to Mr Ford he ended up with his scar when he crashed his car after losing control, whilst trying to put on his seat belt. Apparently he split his chin on the steering wheel.
Trivia: Ford's scar is highlighted in two of his films, Working Girl where he lies to Melanie Griffith that he picked it up in a bar room brawl and in Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade, where a young Indiana, (played by the late River Phoenix), reveals that the scar was an accident involving a bullwhip.
Michael K Williams - (Omar Little from The Wire)
Location: Across forehead down to cheek
Origin: A bar room brawl in Boston's Rustic Kitchen on his 25th birthday in which his face and neck were slashed with a razor. The attack nearly cost the actor his life as one of the cuts came close to his jugular vein and nearly killed him.
Trivia: Williams maintains that his acting career took off within months of the incident, with photographers stopping him on the street and offers flooding in to do music videos and roles as thugs in TV shows.
Tommy Flannagan - (Gladiator, Smokin Aces, Braveheart)
Location: Face (across both cheeks)
Origin: The Glaswegian actor was once a DJ and after leaving a club one night he was approached by a group of men who demanded his jacket and record collection. When he refused, Tommy was attacked and left with a Glasgow Smile.
Trivia: After a difficult recovery his long time friend, actor Robert Carlyle, suggested he get into acting. He worked alongside Carlyle in theatre for three years, before he secured his first major role in film for Mel Gibson's Braveheart. Gibson, seeing what a wonderful actor he was, gave Tommy an even bigger role then was originally scripted.
Tina Fey - (30 Rock, Baby Mama, Saturday Night Live)
Location: Chin up across cheek
Origin: Not much is known about the back story to Fey's scar but during an interview with Vanity Fair, her husband revealed that a stranger slashed Fey's face when she was only five years old. Apparently the incident occurred in the front yard of her house. Grim stuff.
Joaquin Phoenix - (Gladiator, Signs, Walk The Line)
Location: Upper lip
Origin: For many years it was assumed that the actor's scar was due to the result of a repaired cleft lip or palate, but during an interview Phoenix revealed that it is a birth mark. The actor said that during pregnancy his mother felt a sharp pain one day, and he was born with a mark on his lip.
Sandra Bullock - (Speed, A Time To Kill)
Location: Next to left eye
Origin: The actress got this scar when she was younger, after diving into a lake for a swim and hitting the side of her head on a rock.
Bruce Willis - (Die Hard, The Sixth Sense)
Location: Right shoulder
Origin: Contrary to popular belief the Hollywood action scar did not get this scar from a broken bottle during a fight when he tended bar. Instead his shoulder scar was the result of an operation after he broke his arm when he was 17 years old.
Sharon Stone - (Basic Instinct, Total Recall)
Location: Across neck
Origin: Probably the most mysterious Hollywood scar of all. It's claimed that she ended up with the scar in her youth when riding a horse, apparently her neck was left with the mark after she rode into a clothes line.
Trivia: Many people argue that Stone's scar doesn't even exist but in the movie Sphere a reference is made to it as the character she is playing undergoes a medical examination.
Johnny Depp - (Pirates Of The Carribean, Donnie Brasco, Blow)
Origin: Depp has publicly confessed to being a self harmer in his early years which led to around eight scars which he currently bears on his arms. The star stated that his behaviour was brought on by the stress of family problems and his own insecurity.
Trivia: In a Smash Hits interview in 1993 the star said: "From time to time! I had this thing, you know, I think that in a way your body is a journal, for me it is anyway. I started scarring myself when I was a kid, it was just a way to remind myself of things that happened. I wouldn't advise it though! I haven't done it for a couple of years. It's like what sailors used to do, where every tattoo meant something, a specific time in your life when you make a mark on yourself, whether you do it yourself with a knife or with a professional tattoo artist"
Origin: Details are sketchy but it appears the actor scratched his lip on a barbed wire fence when he was young and full of booze.
Trivia: In an interview the star said: "I was 18. I stole some beer and a deerskin rug. Somebody had just skinned the deer. I put it on as a cape and was running around with this case of beer. Someone chased me, there was a fracas and a bit of barbed wire. It was silly."
Let's also not forget those who have shunned what was once thought to be a major taboo for an aspiring actor or entertainer - acne scars. Some famous examples include: Brian Cox, Laurence Fishburne, Ray Liotta, Cameron Diaz, Brad Pitt, Mel Gibson, Jet Li, F. Murray Abraham, Tommy Lee Jones, Seal, Bryan Adams, Bill Murray, Michael Stipe, Edward James Olmos, Dennis Farina and James Woods. Their facial imperfections did not hold them back and in many cases enhanced their careers and popularity with their fans.
Viva La Scar
As you can imagine the Internet is abuzz with many nerds taking time out from eating to criticise Bale for acting like a spoiled wankstaff, (an actor who is a little bit dramatic - jeez now there's a concept), but what we can't get our heads around throughout this entertaining tirade is Bale's accent. It dips and rises like a fucking Trans-Atlantic roller coaster.
UPDATE: Thanks to a legion of unemployed geeks here is a remix of Bale's tantrum.
Monday, 2 February 2009
1 x Bottle of Miller Genuine Draft Beer
1x Glass of Rosie Wine
Like a rabbit caught in the headlights of a truck my overly polite auto-pilot handed over the cash before my brain could register that I had been officially mugged. Two drinks - better part of a tenner!
Sunday, 1 February 2009
Being stuck in a room at a party for two hours with a couple who clearly hate each others guts but stay together because they would rather hate each other than be alone. Still its always better to see someone else's fucked up life for two hours than your own boring ass one. As 'Oddball' in Kelly's Heroes famously described rural France - 'everyone seems nice'. Even brain fried maths genius nutters, who apparently are just the sort of cats you should invite round for scones. In related nudity news, bearded clam fans should stay away. Sadly, (and rather disappointingly, i may add), Kate's famous unkempt pubic topiary remains kecks contained throughout the film. Warm beans all round. A trainsmall box should warn people with the certificate (15 but even though Kate Winslet's in it she doesn't drop em once, shit fella you don't even get side boob), we should picket this film. Bring back the muff!!! Our placards proudly claim. Cos that's what it is a muff. Not a bald pie, like a new born chick, like the orifice you pull that wee bag of entrails out of a chicken, but a muff with a healthy afro of hair, beckoning you in. "trust in my wirey orchard" it whispers. And as my pool boy Santiago says "ees just not a minge eef eet as no muff", god bless you Santiago and your tight cut off denim shorts.
Also went to see Frost/Nixon which was gear. Sheeney is rapidly becoming, a safe bet. Always worth watching, its like a discovery channel documentary with "Vs" in the title. "Raptor vs T-Rex" or "50 cent vs having to do a video without taking his shirt off and working up a sweat in the gym, (purely for the benefit of all the women watching, which make up a huge part of the rap buying demographic - not thin white teenage boys. Oh no, how dare you. ppppppffffff. bullet magnet). Anyhoo, sheeny is the shit as usual but it gets you wondering that cos hes always playing other cats does he need reminding when he gets home who he is? Kind of like Mike from neighbours in Memento. He lifts up his shirt sleeve and its tattooed "You are Michael Sheen, you got ditched by Kate Beckinsale just as she was getting hot". Come to think of it id rather just stay David Frost. Which brings me (somehow) back to this weeks (apparent) theme. Not enough nudity. Not from Sheeny, but in the new Undergrowth film, Undergrowth: Rise Of The Candleford or whatever. Its an 18 for bee gees sake. again not even a side boob. Oh there's claret everywhere and werewolves and vampires and shit. but they forgot any tits. Way an get pumped.
Write to your MP, demand no nudity warnings on films.